And How It Hasn't.
Before having a baby, I often wondered how motherhood would change me. Sometimes I feared that I would become an ornery, strict, no-fun-allowed tight-wad and that I would always be close to anger. I mean, I wasn't like that at all in that present, but I had been warned about how hard parenting can be and to make sure we knew what we were getting into with phrases like:
"Remember, you can't give them back."
"Enjoy yourselves now, when you don't have kids."
or "I have the best birth control for you, watch my children for an hour."
Woah. These babies must carry a whole lotta baggage. I was worried that the stress of child-rearing would cause the small portion of my control freak red personality to take over my body and actions. You don't believe I have any of that in my personality? Ask Brian about the time he mercilessly beat me at Settlers of Catan and I beat him back with my shoe. I think it left a mark; I still feel ashamed.
While my sweet forgiving husband and I were baby-mooning in St. George when we had t-minus 2 months to go, I jokingly expressed the fear to my cousin, Audrey. She has three little babes, her first two, not even one year apart. She and her husband are so great, and I have always looked up to her as my cool older cousin who is so fun and put-together, though I'm sure she'd deny my compliments.
After she'd heard my concerns masked by sarcasm, she completely disagreed. She said, "When you have kids, the personality you have now just gets brought out more." Then she finished her little bunny song game with her girls..."Hop, hop, hop...now, Stop!" Her little girls froze and giggled and it was hilarious.
I'm glad she was right and that my dark Darth Vadar side didn't take over. There are times when I'm sleep deprived and a little perturbed when Scarlett won't sleep at night or when she disallows any progress of housework for attention, but being a mom is FUN. It definitely changes you, but not all of you. Here three things that are new to me in motherhood.
1. Picking noses, wiping bums, smelling bums, holding gagged up food, cleaning vomit, holding a baby on my hip while I cook one-handed, wiping tears, digging for ear wax, extracting poop from a blow out in the crib, this list goes on and on... Somehow all of this is NBD. I never gag, I sometimes shudder, but I have no problem getting done what needs to be done.
2. My body image isn't constantly on the brain any more. Maybe gaining a bunch of lbs and hearing magnificent words of praise for being big for 9 months dissolved that annoying body consciousness I had most days. Now I listen a lot more to how my body feels, instead of how it looks. And heck, it feels awesome to not be pregnant after all that. Three days after having Scarlett I felt like a Supermodel. Breastfeeding and exercise have also helped, just saying.
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| 5 days after Scarlett's birth. I felt great. That tiny thing is Scar. |
3. I constantly think about Scarlett Claire. I think about her when I sleep. I worry about her when we leave her with babysitters. I think about what foods would be good to balance her diet. I always know exactly how many hours she slept in a day and how many times she has pooped. Even when Brian's around, I usually cannot sleep unless she is sleeping. I could identify her cry in a room full of crying babies. That is definitely different, but I hear the worry just gets worse.
However, don't you fret you mommy-to-be's because you don't really lose yourself to mom-hood. You can still be you. Here's three things that I'm still me at:
1. I still find ways to do stuff I enjoy. I work out. I read a book. I make plans for outings and meals. I take longish showers and dress with a little flair (for me) for the day. I still play volleyball and go swimming. This helps keep my mood joyous.
3. In the words of Frozen, we still Let It Go! Brian has always been good at keepin' his cool, and the longer I have been married to him, the better I have become. Sometimes I get an idea of how things should be in my head, and I dwell on them when life decides differently. Its important to accept the things I can't control (like Scarlett's 8 colds this season or long Iowa winters) or else I turn into a unproductive whiny person- no one likes listening to a negative broken record. I especially think its important to cut other parents some slack when children aren't behaving the way you'd appreciate to.
Anyway, that's it for now. Scarlett is crying rather dramatically for her corn snacks, which are just out of reach. She's eaten half the can already. Its mom time.
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