Stay-At-Homer

        As one who has always worked many hours and studied hard in school, I sometimes feel weirdly embarrassed when acquaintances ask, "What do you do?" and I answer, "I don't work, I stay at home with my daughter."  In my head I'm listing my credentials..."However, I am educated. I have a Bachelor's Degree in Medical Lab. I graduated summa cume laude while working 3 different jobs. I worked at a hospital and ER. I've ran a marathon and several triathlons. Yada yada yada"....

Kokopelli Triathlon

My Graduation Dec 2012

   

Running donor platelets to AirMed helicopter at the ER.  

Ooowee! I was pretty cool! But those things don't matter anymore, and as self-fulfilling and proud as they make me feel, my young, hyperactive boss doesn't give a crap about my resume. She just cares that I am loving and that I feed her and that I'm around.
    Wait, Scarlett. You just want me to be around?! But I have a very specific set of skills that are worth, like, 25 bucks an hour! I'm highly trained and very efficient and quite reliable when it comes to working and earning.  I have worked so hard and long to get to this spot, but Scar just wants my simple company and attention, more than anything. More than having a clean nose.  More than sleep.  More than the temporal things I could supply if I was earning a salary.  My time, that's it. And its grueling in a way that my paying jobs never were.
    There was a time when I did both.  After my 6 weeks of maternity leave, I was a mom and a full-time employee.  I worked 7-on-7 off  (full-time) and Brian stayed at  home with the babe during my working weeks.  I felt distinguished.  I felt like I was magnifying my college degree.  But I still missed my little baby and husband like crazy on my weeks at work.

    I have two different versions of me that I most remember: 1)the mom who craves having a child need her, and 2) the girl who loves to work and accomplish things for herself .  My working-girl self and my mom instincts contradict each other often. The sentimental mother in me says, "I'm proud and lucky that I can be her caretaker 24/7.  She loves me so much.  She might forget the time I spend with her, but I won't."    
    And then sometimes I whine inside and think, "I need to be challenged. I need to contribute. I need to have future career goals, but I can't continue those right now, and I feel stuck."   I often dream about pursuing management or going back to school for a Master's degree and becoming something more intellectually or corporately, and hopefully someday I will.
 
     As I was expressing these feelings of contradiction and stagnancy to my husband the other night, he gently, yet profoundly, reminded me that Scarlett's growth is my growth.   He is right, of course.  I need to stop underestimating the spiritual and social advancement that is currently underway.  It is harder to see and understand the growth  that I experience as a learning mother. There's no one to tell me I'm doing it right or I'm doing it well or that I have met employee expectations this quarter.  I just know Scarlett is living and breathing and walking and talking and eating and pooping.  Then Scarlett learns or does something new, and that's my day's work from 9 to 5.

   I am still anxious to develop my skills and career, but right now I am blessed to stay at home.  It's a difficult decision for moms and dads to choose to stay at home or to go work.  I cannot say which choice is best for anyone else. It depends on each unique family's circumstance, of course! I don't disapprove of others for using resources like day care. I understand the need and desire to work and contribute part time or full.
   I guess I'm just trying to tell myself that right now I stay at home and it's fine.  Nobody will think less of me.  In fact, if they have ever been around children they will probably respect me. Yeah.  It is hard to admit that I don't have any job prospects pending or any education courses planned, probably because I have had those things all my life. But this new phase of life is different and enlightening and frustrating and thankless and tiring and long and loud and quiet and sweet and forgiving and happy and sometimes, even rewarding.  Sometimes all I have to do is look at her face.

St. Louis Trip

   When Brian finished Spring Semester, he brought up the bright idea that we should party in the USA. There are a few intriguing, big cities less than 4 hours' drive away.  I guess that's the perk of living in the middle of the States. Woohoo Iowa!

     We set our sights to visit either St. Louis or Kansas City.  Kansas City apparently has fantastic BBQ, cool Jazz music, and some great Historic Church Sites.  So maybe next time, Kansas City!  Here's what hip-happened in St. Louis:

We checked into our cheap, smelly hotel. For $42 a night, totally worth it. Continental Breakfast, baby.

 Scarlett was soooo ready to get out the car and thanked us be running and climbing and twirling in circles.

That night we went to the coolest place ever.  They call it City Museum, but its more of an adult playground.  It was so cool.  I would go back to St. Louis just to go there again. It was the only place we paid  to get into, but by far the best.  We mostly got shots of the outside, for we were too busy the rest of the time exploring and having fun.  Mom, Renae and Andrew would LOVE this place.

The next day we went to the free St. Louis zoo.  It was cool, as far as zoos go.  It was pretty crowded--with people-- a lot of the animals were missing from their exhibits the day we went. Maybe it was their day off.

 Her new thing:  scoot everything.  With or without wheels. 

Yeah, Scarlett was on a leash.  She wanted to walk, and I didn't want to lose a child to a zoo, although I'm sure they'd treat her equally humanely.  She obviously didn't want to be held captive by me or the stroller; she even kissed the ground when she got back down:

Looks like I'm trying to tame the wild beast, yanking her bridle.  Wild monkeys can never be broken.

 After the zoo, we headed to some delicious BBQ place called "Pappy's".  Scarlett and I napped in the car while Brian wanted in line for an hour.  The food really was amazing, but had Scarlett been awake with us standing in line the whole time, I may have given up the dream of ribs and sweet potato fries.

We headed to the hotel to let Brian recover, and Scarlett did her best to keep Dad awake.  That evening we ventured out to get this kid to a park and eat at a fancy Italian place that was featured on Triple D.  We may be Food Network nerds, but the show's recommendations have never failed us. The toasted ravioli ruled.

For our last day, we went to the Science Museum in Forest Park.  On the way there I saw a taxi drive head-on into an SUV and some angry faces and thrown arms ensued thereafter.  Unfortunately it was a great example of St. Louis traffic.

 Scarlett's favorite part of the vaca was being set to roam free in grassy hills.  Of course.

 The Science Museum was neat and sciency and free. My brother Andrew would have loved it.

This strange matt used some type of nanoparticles or liquid crystals (right up Brian's alley)  to read your body movements, and the lilypads would jump away from you, just like in a real pond!!!!    Exciting.
    To conclude, we went to lunch and drove home and it was awesome.  I hope I did a good job advertising St. Louis.  Go there. Go.