Stay-At-Homer

        As one who has always worked many hours and studied hard in school, I sometimes feel weirdly embarrassed when acquaintances ask, "What do you do?" and I answer, "I don't work, I stay at home with my daughter."  In my head I'm listing my credentials..."However, I am educated. I have a Bachelor's Degree in Medical Lab. I graduated summa cume laude while working 3 different jobs. I worked at a hospital and ER. I've ran a marathon and several triathlons. Yada yada yada"....

Kokopelli Triathlon

My Graduation Dec 2012

   

Running donor platelets to AirMed helicopter at the ER.  

Ooowee! I was pretty cool! But those things don't matter anymore, and as self-fulfilling and proud as they make me feel, my young, hyperactive boss doesn't give a crap about my resume. She just cares that I am loving and that I feed her and that I'm around.
    Wait, Scarlett. You just want me to be around?! But I have a very specific set of skills that are worth, like, 25 bucks an hour! I'm highly trained and very efficient and quite reliable when it comes to working and earning.  I have worked so hard and long to get to this spot, but Scar just wants my simple company and attention, more than anything. More than having a clean nose.  More than sleep.  More than the temporal things I could supply if I was earning a salary.  My time, that's it. And its grueling in a way that my paying jobs never were.
    There was a time when I did both.  After my 6 weeks of maternity leave, I was a mom and a full-time employee.  I worked 7-on-7 off  (full-time) and Brian stayed at  home with the babe during my working weeks.  I felt distinguished.  I felt like I was magnifying my college degree.  But I still missed my little baby and husband like crazy on my weeks at work.

    I have two different versions of me that I most remember: 1)the mom who craves having a child need her, and 2) the girl who loves to work and accomplish things for herself .  My working-girl self and my mom instincts contradict each other often. The sentimental mother in me says, "I'm proud and lucky that I can be her caretaker 24/7.  She loves me so much.  She might forget the time I spend with her, but I won't."    
    And then sometimes I whine inside and think, "I need to be challenged. I need to contribute. I need to have future career goals, but I can't continue those right now, and I feel stuck."   I often dream about pursuing management or going back to school for a Master's degree and becoming something more intellectually or corporately, and hopefully someday I will.
 
     As I was expressing these feelings of contradiction and stagnancy to my husband the other night, he gently, yet profoundly, reminded me that Scarlett's growth is my growth.   He is right, of course.  I need to stop underestimating the spiritual and social advancement that is currently underway.  It is harder to see and understand the growth  that I experience as a learning mother. There's no one to tell me I'm doing it right or I'm doing it well or that I have met employee expectations this quarter.  I just know Scarlett is living and breathing and walking and talking and eating and pooping.  Then Scarlett learns or does something new, and that's my day's work from 9 to 5.

   I am still anxious to develop my skills and career, but right now I am blessed to stay at home.  It's a difficult decision for moms and dads to choose to stay at home or to go work.  I cannot say which choice is best for anyone else. It depends on each unique family's circumstance, of course! I don't disapprove of others for using resources like day care. I understand the need and desire to work and contribute part time or full.
   I guess I'm just trying to tell myself that right now I stay at home and it's fine.  Nobody will think less of me.  In fact, if they have ever been around children they will probably respect me. Yeah.  It is hard to admit that I don't have any job prospects pending or any education courses planned, probably because I have had those things all my life. But this new phase of life is different and enlightening and frustrating and thankless and tiring and long and loud and quiet and sweet and forgiving and happy and sometimes, even rewarding.  Sometimes all I have to do is look at her face.