What We Didn't Expect

   Brian and I finally felt ready to announce our new baby to the internet world after my 19 week check-up, although some family and friends heard it or guessed it already.  I was especially anxious and worried about this pregnancy, as we had just been through a miscarriage two months before.
        Let me tell you how that went.

           April-May 2014:
       I just started to wean Scarlett off breastfeeding at about 12-13 months, I discontinued my mini-pill birth control prescribed to breast-feeding mothers, and I had my first menstrual cycle about a year after she was born.  Best. Thing. Ever.  I'm sorry to gross out my male readers (Brian hates discussing the P-word), but I think skipping the monthly period is the best part about pregnancy. So skipping it AND not being pregnant was GLORIOUS, especially when I had a little baby to take care of.

      Since marriage, I've always said that my family plan was to have 5 kids--spaced out about 2 years apart--and be done birthing by the time I'm 35.  It'll be easy.  It'll be fun.  We'll have total control over the situation.  Har har.  I still think that plan sounds lovely, but we'll see what happens as our perception changes with age and wisdom (and chaos).  I can't say I'm confident because we don't even have two yet, but for now it's still my goal even though it makes me nervous sometimes.

      So we were both nervous and excited when we got pregnant just two months after I stopped birth control.  The plan was being followed.  I was due around Valentine's Day 2015, and we slipped our families the word via Skype when I was 5 weeks along. We were expecting another fool-proof boring ol' pregnancy.  After all, my first pregnancy was textbook normal.  Scarlett was head down, average size, healthy everything, and delivered the old-fashioned vaginal way on her due date after I went into a naturally-induced labor WITH an epidural (I don't want to brag about birthing totally natural. Respect, natural mothers).  I did feel a lot more nauseated this pregnancy than I had during Scarlett's first trimester.  Every pregnancy is different, so I'm told.

     We went in for our first Dr. appointment and ultrasound when I was about 9 and 1/2 weeks along.  The secrecy was starting to tickle, I wanted to let others in on our happy news. I wanted them to be like, "Woah, crazy lady. You're having another one so soon!"  And I'd be all like, "I know, we're crazy!"  And I would freak out and giggle inside.  We met for half an hour with a nurse to get our families' histories, blood pressure, advice, support groups, and tons of information that didn't seem quite as necessary as it did the first time we were expecting. Finally, we got to go see baby.

     As I got depants'd and degraded as patients do and connected to the ultrasound machine, the tech said, "Hmmm....I'm sorry, I don't see a heart beat."  I thought in my head, No, biggie, just keep looking. It's there, I can see the baby.  Then she repeated herself, a little bit more softly and delicately. Brian and I exchanged confused glances. Scarlett started throwing a tantrum about sitting or eating, or maybe she could feel the tension in the room.   I asked dumbly, "So, what does that mean?"   She gave us a little list of options that our Dr. might suggest in a tone that did not make me feel good.   It was uncomfortable to have this stranger try to convey comfort and supportive sadness so suddenly, when we had only just met.  Then the shock hit me that my baby had died.  It was horrible, and I had nowhere to run to to collect myself.  The tears started flowing and belly churning and I could see the same thing happening to Brian in his chair.  Scarlett was crying loudly, and the tech gave me looks of concern as she took pictures and typed up her diagnosis(?) autopsy(?) report.

     I still had another appointment scheduled to see the actual Dr., so I waited in that room and tried to sort my emotions while Brian let Scarlett loose to roam the floors and chased after her. It felt like an hour until I saw the Dr., however, a few nurses came in to offer their condolences and tissues and give me an update. Every new person feeling so sorry for me set me off crying like a little girl again.  It was rather humiliating.  I just wanted to go home and grieve with my husband and daughter so I could figure out what I really felt and be hugged by the family that loves me.

    But here I was, waiting and thinking and waiting.  Blaming myself for missing a few days of vitamins, taking that run on the treadmill too hard, not taking my pregnancy too seriously.
The resident finally entered and gave me a few options: D & C, take a cervical ripener to help me induce labor, or wait it out and let my body pass the baby on its own.  She told me that the baby measured about 9 weeks old so the miscarriage had probably happened very recently.  She said that 1 in 4 early pregnancies end in random miscarriage, and that there was probably nothing I did wrong.  She also said that having a early miscarriage does not increase your changes of having another miscarriage (which somewhat quieted my immediate irrational fear that I might never have another baby again).

         After being seen by the resident I was told to walk down 3 flights of stairs to the lab to get some blood work, then back upstairs to get my Rhogam injection.  Hurray.  Then the presiding doctor came in to ask if I was okay, which started my sobs back on up.   At check-out I had to explain my situation, and my reason for the next appointment.  I tried to not cry, but my face and throat wouldn't let me.  The whole appointment took 2 painful, frustrating, sad, and lonely hours.  Then, I went down to buy my prescription at the pharmacy and meet Brian and Scarlett to go home and let out some major tears and give some big snuggles to those two.

    I chose to take the pill that induces labor, because I didn't want to wait an undetermined amount of days to weeks to have anything happen, and I absolutely wanted to avoid surgery.  They told me that we could try to have another baby after one normal menstrual cycle after I passed the fetus, which meant 6 to 8 weeks.  It seemed so long that I had just been pregnant and nauseous- 9 weeks!, and I had to get through another 1st trimester again, not my favorite.

   When we got home, things calmed down.  Brian took the day off and we ate lunch together and talked and I took the medication.  It worked very effectively and quickly, I had about an hour of really painful cramping that night that made me sick, but I was glad it was working and I didn't have to go back for a second dose. Other than that it was a lot like a heavy period. I was not allowed to breastfeed after taking the hormones, so that's when we stopped nursing altogether.  It was bittersweet, but I probably would have nursed her until she was two (and complained about it) if I didn't have something to cut me off.

   I felt peace and clarity almost as soon as we got home.   Maybe that means my home is more like a temple than I thought.  I immediately knew that God had a plan for us and this little baby we lost had something very wonderful in store.  I don't know if we will meet this spirit in our earthly lives or if we will meet them later, but I do know that there was a spirit that gave life to that little body for 9 1/2 weeks or so.  For now, that baby and I were relieved from our physical pains, and it was nice.
 
    I felt a little guilty for feeling so relieved to not be pregnant and sick, although I was still very anxious to get pregnant again. I was going to visit family in a couple weeks and I was happy that I would be vacationing with a vigorous, healthy, good-at-sleeping body.  A few months later, my guilt was dissolved by a new father in our ward who had just blessed his son.  He testified that his life was guided by this fact:  he was a Child of God, and that meant that our Heavenly Father only wanted what's best for us.  At that moment it clicked for me- God wanted me to be happy.  I can be happy even when sad things happen, even when many people feel sorry for me and I should be mourning a loss. I felt comfort in the things that are known and even unknown to me, because God loves me and can send me comfort in tangible ways.

  I can tell you that this trial made me treasure being a mother and a wife even more.  It solidified to me how much Brian cares for me and our family. We are so lucky and blessed, sometimes I can't fathom it.  I'm happy to say we got pregnant the first month the healthcare professionals gave us the go-ahead.  We are due May 21st and everything it looking well for our second baby girl.