December

Of course we had our annual Christmas party with the Guymon group with all the grad students in the program who work in Brian's lab. It's always good food and we always clean out at the White Elephant because we get to play with all four of us!  And, we always lose early in the fuse ball and ping pong tourney. Tradition.

 Alice had a poop-mergency and had to change into one of Kailee's old soccer shirts. Kailee is a Laurel in our ward who I get to see in Young Women's. Alice looked like a cute little boy, but what else is new.

 Scarlett got a cool finger hand.  Excellent White Elephant.

 The boyz.

 The next Monday was my birthday.  I tried making my own cake and I spilled it out and it crumbled all over the oven.  I had to go to the store for a re-do and this one turned out lovely with Brian and Scarlett's help. I guess you're not supposed to make your own birthday cake. I'm 27 now. Still feel like I'm 16 most the time.

 HBD MOM :) Snowflakes. Butterfly.

 In this picture on my birthday I was 15 weeks pregnant.  I was just starting to get my energy up and had finally ceased to throw up daily at week 14.  Ugh, it was so so hard on me and the girls.  I was rather nervous that this pregnancy was so weirdly nauseating.

 The next day, my fears were realized when my Dr couldn't find a heartbeat.  She told me it was not unusual to have a tiny 15 week baby hide out in a nicely stretched uterus, so I stayed positive, but prepared for some bad news, deep down.  We got an ultrasound tech to check and I could tell right away that there was no life.  I knew it.  It was awful.  I called Brian and he biked straight from his office to the clinic to come home with me.

Sweet Little Baby 

   I was so frustrated and confused and scared that there were some serious issues with me since I was already into the second trimester and that this had already happened to me once.  We decided to schedule and D & C and I confided in my YW Presidency.  I'm so glad I didn't keep it to myself.  We had so many thoughtful treats, meals, and notes at our door the next day.  And I had lots of family to greive with.  I feel like it took a month for me to stop crying every time I thought about it.  It was so hard to move on, especially after the 4 months of sacrifice and hope it took for us to get there. I really wanted and believed we were having a boy.
  I thought about writing my tormenting thoughts down much earlier as they kept rolling and rolling on in my head, but I didn't and I wish I had.  I learned that a lot of people really care about me, which surprised me after suffering through quite the lonely experience of feeling sick all the time.  I chatted with my mother and mother-in-law, sisters, and one of my best friends I haven't talked to in a long time. Now I have so much admiration for people who have true compassion, who cry with the crying, who truly empathize to others' feelings.  In the future, I want to be more like that for my friends.
  I prayed. A lot.  Constantly. Asking if we could get pregnant again.  Asking if we were connected to this little boy or girl that we could have met in June and lost.  I was skeptical of my answer. But while on the phone with a friend who had also experienced the unseen/misunderstood loss of pregnancy, she mentioned she had read something written during Brigham Young's time presiding over the church.  A woman asked about the future of her unborn deceased baby's spirit and the church leader replied, "The mother knows."  After that I realized I'd been feeling a peace and awareness of this baby's real and timeless connection to me for a while now.  I don't know how it will be, but I know I will meet him, and know him (or her).

  As for the other question: "Will we ever have another baby?", I'm trying not to worry and put my faith and trust in God.  Nothing happens without faith, and I've been told that God won't put us through anything we cannot handle.  President Euchdorf said in his talk Fourth Floor, Last Door that in the end, " All will be made right. All will be well. "